// unspoken //

"You should tell him. You really should." Chris stands there, arms folded, looking at JC. JC turns to him and sighs.

"I will, Chris. I...just. The timing hasn't been right...you know?"

"Yeah," says Chris, softly. "I know." He reaches a hand out and gives JC's shoulder a squeeze as he leaves the room.

It's not just the timing that's off...JC can't seem to find the right words, either. After all, how do you tell someone you have seen almost every day for the past five years that you feel more for them than just friendship? That you think you might be in love with them? That the constant hugs, touching and closeness have come to mean something much more to you? That sometimes you wake up suddenly in the middle of the night, painfully erect and sweating with their name on your lips? JC doesn't know the words...though sometimes it seems he's said them inside his own head a thousand times or more.

There was a kiss one drunken night. The five of them had been sitting in Justin's hotel room in some city, winding down after a show. They'd drunk beer, and played cards, and when that had degenerated into a yelling match about who had been cheating the most, someone had suggested spin the bottle. Chris, as JC recalled. The bottle had landed on JC when Joey spun it, and a somewhat rough and drunken kiss had been the result. The other three cheering in the background and yelling "Tongue! Give it some tongue!" had been a little offputting, but it had still made JC's head spin all the same. He'd sat there, stunned...until Lance announcing that he felt like he was going to puke anysecondnow! had made him scramble to his feet and get out of the way. Everyone had gone back to their own rooms after that, tiredness and alcohol finally getting the upper hand. Joey had slapped JC's ass as he passed and winked. "Can you still walk straight after that, C?" he'd asked, and JC had just smiled and nodded. Then Joey had leaned in close to JC, and hugged him in one of the bone-crushing hugs only Joey could give.

"You know that I love you, even if I don't always say it with kisses," he'd whispered in JC's ear, before opening the door to his room and slipping inside. JC had stood there, just looking at the door for what seemed like an eternity, before whispering, "I love you too, Joey," and turning away, to see Chris standing there, watching him.

"Tell him, C. Just....tell him." And then Chris had turned into his own room, and closed the door softly.

***

It's another long drive to the next show in the next city, and JC is trying to catch up on some sleep in his bunk. The noise of Justin and Chris in apparent mortal combat with each other on the playstation eventually gets loud enough to wake him, and he abandons all hope of getting back to sleep anytime soon. He grabs a blanket and pillow and wanders out to curl up on one of the couches.

Justin looks up briefly. "Hey C. Blame Chris...he's trying to--hey! Chris! Nooo!" And the rest of what he was saying is forgotten as he wrestles Chris for the game control.

Lance is at the table, working away on his laptop, and doesn't even seem to notice JC's presence, until Joey speaks from one of the couches where he's watching a movie on tv. "Here....sit." And he motions beside him. JC smiles and curls long legs underneath him as he gets comfortable.

"Tired?" Joey pulls JC into him and idly strokes his hair, as JC leans against his shoulder and closes his eyes.

"Yeah. A little." If JC were a cat, he'd be purring right about now. Joey's massaging his shoulder, and it's not long before JC falls back to sleep, despite the constant bickering between Chris and Justin, and the low murmur of the movie Joey's watching. When he wakes, the bus is quiet, and he's still curled against Joey's warm body. Joey's head is lolled back and he's snoring softly. JC thinks about waking him, but the decision is made for him when Joey stirs and then opens his eyes. "Hi." he says, smiling at JC. "I guess I dozed off too."

"Looks that way," replies JC. He goes to get up, but stops, and turns back to Joey. "Hey, Joe--" He pauses, and Joey looks at him, brown eyes intently focused on his face. JC knows that this would be the time, the perfect time. No interruptions, no distractions, just the two of them. "Joey, I...uh...I just wanted to tell you...uh." He runs a hand over his eyes, trying to clear the sleep from his head. "I wanted to say...goodnight."

"Night, C," replies Joey, with a yawn. "Sleep well." And he pulls JC to him in a hug before heading to his bunk. JC gathers up his pillow and blanket, and as he climbs into his own bunk, he hears Chris' voice, even though Chris is back on the other bus with Lance, and has probably been asleep for hours.

"I couldn't," replies JC softly in reply to the ghost voice. "I just. I couldn't." And it feels like an eternity that he lies there awake, staring into the darkness, until sleep finally returns.

***

JC gets another chance to tell Joey sooner than he expects. Wade has been bitching everyone out at rehearsal and finally Joey storms out, swearing in frustration. Justin is close to a nervous breakdown himself, forgetting not everyone is blessed with hips like his. Lance is the voice of reason as he speaks to Justin in low murmurs and attempts to calm him down. Chris motions to JC to follow Joey with a slight nod of the head, and JC doesn't need to be told twice. He's always been the one able to calm Joey down when no-one else can, a fact he hasn't quite figured out be a blessing or a curse in times like this. He eventually finds Joey back in the bus, sitting silently fuming.

"So...I'm thinking about joining a circus," says JC, sitting down beside him. "As a trained monkey. Think I can make a career outta that?"

"You already smell like a monkey." Joey replies, grinning despite himself. JC glares at him in mock indignation. "Sweet talker. Do you dance as sweet as you talk?"

"Apparently not", replies Joey, as JC pulls him to his feet.

"Ok then. I hear practise makes perfect, so off we go. And you know, it just so happens I'm a pretty good dancer myself, so I can offer my services as your personal danceboy. Up for it?" And Joey nods, his grin getting wider. He pulls JC to him, and wraps his arms around JC's slender frame. "Thankyou", he whispers into the soft curls. "What would I do without you?"

JC knows he's about to let another chance slip by. Another chance to tell Joey just how he feels. Three little words, that's all he has to say. It's not so hard. Just three.

"Time to go," he smiles, and Joey follows him back to the rehearsal room.

***

"Joey? You there?" JC stands at the door of the bus, and calls out. Lance's head pops out from his bunk.

"C? That you?" He points to the closed door of the bathroom. "Joey's in there. He's been talking to Kelly on the phone for an hour now. I think it's true love, man." He chuckles, and grins at JC. "Want me to go get him for you?"

JC shakes his head, which suddenly feels like it might fly loose from his body and roll away. Kelly? He's back with Kelly?

He realises Lance is speaking to him, but he hasn't heard a word, and doesn't trust himself to speak anyway. He shakes his head again, and descends the three steps off the bus onto the asphalt of the carpark, and just keeps on walking.

***

Joey has asked everyone to wait for him after rehearsal, so they're gathered in the toyroom. JC is perched on a couch, watching Justin and Lance play pool, trying unsuccesfully to distract himself. He can't sit still, and feels a growing dread in the pit of his stomach. It's been there for days, ever since Lance told him who Joey was talking to. And now Joey's asked to see everyone together. JC can't imagine that it can be for any reason that will make him feel any less freaked out than he is now. The others don't seem overly concerned, laughing and joking and making noise that rings in JC's ears. Chris flops down on the couch beside him, and wraps an arm around his shoulders. "Ok there, C?" He sees JC's face and lays his head on JC's shoulder. "I'm sure it's nothing, man. Just Joey being all mysterious and shit."

JC nods weakly.

The door opens and Joey walks in, closely followed by Kelly. JC's heart leaps into his throat and his stomach starts a long, slow roll. He's grateful for Chris' body beside him, because suddenly it feels like his bones are made of nothing but fine powder, and any minute he might just dissolve. He listens with the others as Joey and Kelly stand there, shyly holding hands and announcing that they're expecting a baby. JC watches as Justin and Lance clasp Joey in exuberant embraces with shouts of congratulations and then he feels Chris' hands propelling him up and forward so he can do the same. Somehow he's managing to grin so widely he feels his face will split in two and shatter in a thousand pieces. He hears his own voice telling Kelly that the news is wonderful, that he's so pleased and happy for them both. He hears all this, sees all this, does all this....yet all he's really aware of is the overwhelming thought that if Chris moves his hands away from his back, his shoulders, he will fall to the ground and never get up again.

***

There's just Justin and Chris in the toyroom with him now. Joey and Kelly left to tell Steve the news, and Lance had gotten a call from Meredith and excused himself so he could answer it. JC is curled up within himself, his arms hugging his knees to his chest, and he's half-listening to Justin and Chris as they do battle on the playstation. The noise is a distraction from the dull roar in his head and the hollow ache in his chest. He looks up when he hears the soft click of the door as Justin leaves the room.

"You ok?" Chris is behind him, warm arms around his neck and cheek resting against the top of his head. JC can feel his lips moving against his hair. "Want to talk about it?"

JC shakes his head, and can't stop the hitch in his chest as he tries to speak. "I....should have told him. You were right. I should have told him."

Chris' arms tighten around his neck as he replies. "It might not have made any difference, C," he says softly. "Maybe I was wrong. Sometimes....sometimes things just don't go how they should. People fall in love with the wrong people...and...you just deal with it. You can't....you just deal with it."

JC shakes his head again. "No. I should have said something. I just...could never find the words. And now..." He can't finish the sentence. He lifts his hands to Chris' arms around his neck and squeezes them gently before lifting them off. "But thanks. Thankyou." He stands and hugs Chris before he leaves the room, passing Justin on his way out. JC doesn't speak, and Justin lays a brief hand on his shoulder as he passes by.

As Justin turns into the doorway JC has just come out of, he hears a whispered "I love you, JC".

Justin looks over at Chris standing there. "You should have told him," he says softly.

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