// she knows //


*

There's an invitation in her hand, and an ice-cold twist in her belly. A movie premiere. A gallery opening. The afterparty of whatever show Joey's performing in this month. Another crowded room filled with people who will forget her name barely five minutes after she's given it to them, and Kelly knows exactly how it is, exactly how it'll be, because nothing ever changes.

Ultimately, it's her decision. It always is-- and sometimes she doesn't know if it'd be easier if Joey insisted that she comes with him to these things- -but he never does. He never would, and she knows that. It's always up to her.

"It'd be nice if you were there," he says, smiling, brushing a kiss across her mouth.

"Would you even notice if I wasn't?" The words are out before she can stop them, and she bites down into her lip, wanting to take them all back. She looks up, and Joey's watching her, something in his eyes she can't quite read.

"Kel-"

"No, it's okay." She smiles, and yeah, it'll be okay. She'll be okay. She's an old hand at okay. "I'm just tired, and well, y'know." She shrugs, a tiny, helpless gesture, and she hates this. She hates it. "Long day."

Joey's warm and solid behind her, his arms wrapped round her waist, holding her close. He's humming softly, some 50s tune she's heard him sing to Briahna before, and he starts to sway gently from side to side. Her body follows the movement of his, back and forth, a gentle rocking motion, and she closes her eyes and just listens, lets the heat of his body wrap around her. She feels his lips moving against the nape of her neck, warm against her skin, tracing up to her ear.

"I'd notice," Joey says, softly.

*

Bobbie once told you how to make everyone in the room notice you were there. "They know exactly who you're with, honey," she'd said, "but they don't have a fucking clue what your name is. We gotta change that." You'd listened and nodded and smiled as she gripped your arm and leaned close, but she was pretty drunk and you really don't think she was serious anyway. She was fun, though, and she always took the time to speak to you, to ask you how you were. You'd liked Dani, too-- she always had some cute story to tell, something nice to say about your hair, your shoes. She always noticed things, and maybe that was part of the job she did, but you like to think it was part of her.

You miss Dani, but you still see Bobbie sometimes. Parties and product launches, and everyone still seems to know her name and exactly who she is, so maybe she was serious all those years ago. Sometimes you wish you'd listened closer, but most of the time, you wish you'd never heard her at all.

*

Straight boy crush.

She knows that's what it's called, knows that's all it is, no more, no less. And the tight, hollow pull in her chest she feels each and every time Joey drapes himself over JC-- she knows that too. She knows that only too well.

Kelly watches them from where she stands in the pit, just another face in a seemingly endless sea of them. Unlike the others though, when Joey looks her way and smiles, she knows it's for her, that it's her he's seeing. That he knows her name, and who she is.

He's grinning at her now, a big, goofy smile as he scrubs a sweaty hand through his hair, hamming it up. She grins back, watching his little impromptu dance, laughing along with everyone else when Lance rolls his eyes in mock-exasperation.

Then Joey turns, slips in behind JC, hooks his chin over the curve of his shoulder, and they just seem to fit somehow. She ignores the sudden ache that rushes through her, the prickle of jealousy shimmering along her skin. Onstage, she can see Joey smiling big and bright once more, his whole face animated, lit up from within.

But not by her. Not for her, either. Not this time.

This time it's all for JC.

*

After the shows, you're slipped backstage by Lonnie, or Tiny, or whoever's around to move you away as smoothly and unobtrusively as possible. Just before the final song when the sea of faces around you are all tilted upward, parted lips and shining eyes, and no one to notice you passing by. Except for one night, one girl, in Boston or Chicago or New York or a thousand other places. One night and one girl, and she'd caught your eye as you walked past. The friend she was with was tall and slim, a tiny sparkly top and a slice of perfect tanned belly below, lost in the moment, not aware of anything or anyone. Not aware of the girl beside her, shorter and darker and infinitely sadder, looking anywhere but up at the whirl of lights on the stage. Looking at you for barely a moment, but maybe, you thought, just maybe a moment was all you needed.

And you'd smiled as you passed her by, watched her lips curve upward in response, but looked away again as they'd curled into a sneer.

*

"Hey, Kel." Joey looks up when she walks past his suitcases into the room, blinking at the soft light filtering from the hallway through the open door.

"Hey yourself," she says softly. Briahna's in his arms, asleep - chubby fists curled loosely against his chest, dark lashes resting gently on flushed cheeks. She snuffles a little as Kelly draws closer, sighs sleepily as Joey's lips brush her forehead. "I didn't hear you come in."

"I came in here first," Joey says quietly. "I knew she'd be asleep but I just-- I wanted to see her." He's rocking her back and forth slowly in his arms, and Kelly wonders if he's even aware he's doing it. "She got so big, Kel. When did that happen? She's growing up so fast."

"I know." Kelly smiles, and the back of her throat aches from tears she's not crying. She smoothes out the sheets on Briahna's bed, fingers playing with the edge of a blanket as she tries to pick the right words from the jumble in her head. "She misses you," she says finally, and she hears Joey's breath catch-- just for a moment, but she hears it.

"Kel, you know I-"

"I miss you." She turns to Joey, and he's looking right at her, and the tears she's fighting to hold back are prickling in her eyes. "And I know that you- -I know all that. And I understand, I do. But-- I still miss you, Joe." Her voice wavers on the last few words, and she swipes a hand at her face, hoping he can't see. She promised herself she wouldn't do this. Not this time.

He's silent for a moment, holding Briahna close, still rocking her gently. He leans down and presses a kiss to the top of her head, then carefully lies her down in the bed, arranging the blankets around her. "I love you," he whispers against the soft drift of her hair, "so very much." He stands up and turns to Kelly. "She knows that, right, Kel? She knows that I love her?"

"Oh, Joey." Her hand reaches out to his, and even in the dim light she finds his fingers easily, twines hers in with them. "She knows."

He pulls her close, and she can feel the heat of his body, can feel his breath warm against her face. "And you?" he asks softly. "What about you?"

"I know, too," she whispers.

*

In another lifetime long ago, you thought that maybe you'd be enough for him. That when all the craziness ended, you could settle down to a regular life and do regular things. Not yet, though. It hasn't happened yet, and you're still waiting.

Some days-- the bad days, the days when you want to be anywhere but here, to be anyone but the girl Joey knocked up-- you want to walk away from it all. To just keep walking and not look back. Sometimes you think that'd be easier than staying, because staying is so damn hard when it feels like you're barely holding on.

On the days when your world is cracking and splintering beneath fingertips that feel bruised and red-raw, you look at your daughter and in her face, you can see everything you love about Joey, and you know. You know that even though you'll never have all of him, the part of him you do have-- the part with his smile, his eyes, his laugh-- is the part he'll never share with anyone else but you.

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