so, me and Velma were in the chat at nsync.com, posied and waiting, and we got thrown out at the last moment. Just as Lance came. uh, came in. yes. we were both thrown clear. woah. go Lance.

so. I typed up a transcript of what I suspect REALLY went on in the chat, with questions she ever-so-kindly provided.

// the REAL Nsync chat

Chris: ok, who's the fastest typist here? Someone has to man the keyboard.
Lance: man the keyboard? Chris, do you even own a computer? What the hell does man the keyboard mean?
JC: I can type fast. One-handed, too.
Chris: that's possibly a lot more than we needed to know, C.
JC: hey, c'mon now, man. I always use a handiwipe-
Justin: [plugging ears] yo! Yo! I so don't need to be hearing this, okay? Man.' What did you do during the hiatus, JC?' 'Oh, me? I jerked off a lot.'
JC: like you'd know. I didn't have the webcam set up this time.
Lance: yeah, you did.
Joey: I didn't know you were THAT bendy, man.
JC: [looks mortified] no-- it was switched off. Um. Wasn't it?

[Chris, Lance, Justin and Joey shake their heads]

JC: well, shit.
Chris: ok, so c'mon. fast typist?
Lance: [rolling eyes] I'll do it. God, if I have to answer hundreds of questions about boxers or briefs, then I swear-
Joey: you can't swear. They're all 12 years old. You'll be corrupting them.
Chris: [looking at the screen] by the looks of what they're all saying in here, I somehow doubt that. someone should really hold me.
JC: oh, just suck it up and hold yourself, Chris. They can't see you. There's no webcam. [scowls]
Justin: [peering over Lance's shoulder] okay, first question. Joey-it's for you, man. [reads] from Joeysluvergurl69-- We heard about the queen-size bed on the bus. Does Lance kick a lot?
Joey: [looks mortified] I'm ENGAGED. I'm an ENGAGED MAN.
Lance: [not even looking up] do you want your abject horror and repulsion at the insinuation you might not be 100% heterosexual in bold type and with lots of exclamation marks after it? Because, happy to be of service, man.
Joey: [looking pale] please, Lance. Yes. Please.
Justin: [reading over Lance's shoulder] dear Joeysluvergurl69- yes, he kicks really hard. But not as hard as he bites my ass while he's rimm-- oh, man. [shakes head] That's totally not what he said, Lance.
Lance: [still typing] subtext, Timberlake. It's all in the subtext.
Joey: [struggling with Chris who's holding him back] I'll kill you, Bass. You're a dead man. You hear me? DEAD!
Lance: [blithely typing] yeah, yeah. Get back to me after Kelly's seen you.
Joey: [head in hands] oh god. Oh god. Oh god.
Justin: oooh, another question. [reads] from FKAliklik- Chris-will you MARRY ME?
Chris: well, Justin. This is kinda sudden. I had no idea. But man, the age difference- you and me. I really don't think it'd work. I'm sorry--
Lance: [snorts] c'mon Kirkpatrick- an answer for the lady?
Chris: who said it was a lady? My fine ass is omnisexual. It appeals to everyone! [does a little shimmy]
JC: just answer the question and stop waving your ass in my face, man.
Chris: ok, Bass. Flex those typing fingers. My answer. [clears throat] dear FKAliklik, while I appreciate your kind offer of matrimony, I regret to say, that at this present juncture of time, I am unable to reciprocate your affections with an affirmative answer. However, do not take this rebuffal as a personal slight, because it is merely an indication of my inability to commit to someone I have not actually had a face to face meeting with. [smiles happily] oooh, and add, keep on trucking at the end, okay? Cool.
Lance: what'd your last bitch die of?
JC: [beaming] I'm still alive, Lance.
Justin: [reading out what Lance is typing] dear FKAliklik, bog off. I bet you look like the ass-end of a truck. [frowns] At least you got the truck reference in, I guess.
Joey: we're not going to have any fans left after this, Lance.
Lance: [muttering] that's the plan, baby. Ok-- next? Oh-- this one's for me. [reads out loud] from Jamesismybabydoll- Lance, tell the truth. Why are the bobbleheads in your house arranged just so?
JC: [giggling] Lance? Tell the truth? [clutches stomach and wriggles] AHAHAHAHHAHA!
Lance: shut it, C. [types for a while] there. That'll do.
Justin: [reading over his shoulder] dear Jamesismybabydoll- first up, the name is Lance. Not James. Okay? Got that? Right. Next up, they're arranged like that because when I tried to put my bobblehead on top of all the others, they all fell and smashed into little pieces. Do you know how sharp those fuckers are? I bled like a stuck pig. The carpet in that room is cream. Cream carpet. So not a good choice to bleed on. The bobbleheads will stay in that order until the little castle I'm having specially built is ready. Then my bobblehead will stand on top, and tower majestically over the other four. And the universe shall be as it should. [blinks] wow, Lance. I mean, wow. You really are a fast typist.
Chris: not to mention the whole megalomania thing.
Lance: [glaring] do you really want your bobblehead banished to the dungeon again, Chris?
Chris: [smiling] I kinda liked it last time.
Joey: ok, next question? This has to be over with soon, please. I gotta call Kel-
Justin: [reading] JC, it's for you. from someone called guesswho69: JC, can you turn on the webcam and touch your toes-backwards? Woah. Um. Golly.
JC: [standing up, undoing pants] sure, okay! Is the light better here-- or maybe over here? [points] should I keep my underpants on-oh! That's right, I'm not wearing any-'s'cuse me, Lance- I just need to- ah, that's better. Can everyone see? Does my ass look fat?
Chris: [taking JC by the arm] sit down, honey. There'll be no transmission of all your glory across the internet today, okay?
JC: [frowning] but- Chris. The fans- they wanted to see-
Lance: [typing away] actually, they didn't. the question was from Chris. He bet me a hundred bucks you were commando. [glares at Chris] I would have paid more if you'd let him go through with it, you jerk.
Justin: another question? Oooh, this one is from JoshuaScottChasez. [looks over at JC, who's pulling his pants back on, giggling quietly] Right. Ok-- JoshuaScottChasez asks -Chris and Lance, would you switch on the webcam and act it out? [looks puzzled] act it out? Act what out?
JC: [sprawled in a chair] Sex! Rimming! Even a blowjob! Anything! Anything'd be just fine. Sex'd be best, but yeah -[pauses when he realises they're all looking at him] um. I mean. I assume that's what JC- I mean, JoshuaScottChasez --was asking. Maybe. [slinks down into the chair] I actually really don't know, and it was probably wrong of me to speak for him because that's just not cool. At all. And I, uh. I apologise. Yes. [pulls cushion across his lap and stares into the distance]
Lance: you weren't kidding with that whole shoe song, were you?
JC: [blinking] shoe song?
Lance: Adidas. Whatever.
JC: [hissing under his breath] bitch.
Justin: [excited] ooh! Oooh! Here's one for me. [reads] it's from Juprules. Dear Justin- I saw the Rolling Stone cover and it was like totally HAWT- [pauses to preen]- but like, seriously. Does shaving your treasure trail hurt? Is there anything else shaved? [swallows] um. Okay.
Joey: and your answer, Justin?
Justin: well, uh. Isn't that a little -personal? I mean. You know. [indicates his groin] some things aren't meant to be shared with like, the whole world.
Lance: [rolling his eyes] right. and of course, it's not like you've ever seen any of our dicks, is it, now?
Justin: [looks relieved] exactly! That's exactly it, Lance! I'm glad you see it that way.
JC: [in a stage whisper] hey! Hey, Justin?
Justin: [looking over] what?
JC: [lifting the cushion off his lap with a flourish] HERE'S MY DICK! LOOK AT IT!
Chris: [shaking his head] C, were you jerking off over there while we chat with twelve year olds?
JC: [with wide, staring eyes] um. No. no. not at all. I wasn't. no. [looks round wildly] answer the question, Justin. The fans, man. They're waiting. They're only 12 years old. They're children. God, man-think of the children.
Justin: [primly] I can't answer that. It's just not right.
Lance: [typing] it's okay, I answered it for you. [reads out loud] dear Juprules, I'm totally shaved. All over. I like to grease myself up with bacon fat and slide round the kitchen floor singing Frank Sinatra songs. And I just saw JC's penis. [pauses, then types something else] keep on trucking. [looks at Chris] good idea, man. That does add a certain extra 'something'. Excellent.
Justin: [waving arms] you --Lance! You can't! That's not! No!
Lance: suck it up, baby. It's done and sent. Right. Next? Oooh here we go. Joey, wanna read this one? Timberlake's busy being all apoplectic here.
Joey: okay. [reads over Lance's shoulder] C, it's for you, man. From Shazam310- JC, if you dream about sex all day long and think about sex all night long, what are you thinking about right this instant? [grins] ha. It's like a trick question, right?
JC: it is? Huh. [frowns] well, no, but see. Hmmm. Right now, they said?
Lance: [massive eye-roll] yes, C. the answer's pretty evident going by that song of yours- the shoe song again. That was a clue, by the way.
JC: [puzzled] but. No, Lance. That song wasn't about Barbra Streisand.
Lance: what? Who said anything about--Barbra Streisand?
JC: that's what I'm thinking about right now. And she's totally not in that song. Dude, I don't want Barbra Streisand riding me. ew. Are you insane? [grimaces]
Lance: [shaking his head sadly] oh, dear god. [types]
Joey: [reading as he types] dear Shazam310- I'm thinking about nothing, because I am, in fact, utterly stupid. But hey, thanks for taking the time to ask.
JC: [muttering to himself] I'm sure I didn't sing anything about Barbra Streisand. Man, I gotta stop wearing my cap so tight.
Chris: Are we done yet? Are we done yet? Are we done yet?
Lance: almost. Oh, look, another one for me. [reads out loud] from BassAssChick- dear Lance, when you take over the world, are you going to make JC and Chris your pleasure slaves? Will Joey be minister of fart jokes? Will Justin be the pool boy? [smiles] Ah, I see someone's read my story at Nsyncpleasure.com. I hope they send me feedback. I worked for ages on that one. [types]
Justin: that was YOU? dude, you totally wrote me as a whining little diva. Your characterisation was cliched, and really fucking harsh.
Joey: I agree, man. Same with the way you wrote me. Way outta line.
Lance: [glances up] I wrote you as straight.
Joey: Right. Which, I am. Totally. So, uh, yeah. Good job on that.
JC: [from where he's reclined on the couch, his feet being massaged by Chris] was I bendy?
Lance: yes, C. you were bendy.
Chris: You sure were, honey. He had you kissing your own ass all the way through chapter 17.
JC: [smiling happily] awesome.
Lance: ok, my answer. [reads out loud] dear BassAssChick- when I take over the world, you will be first up against the wall for a smiting for daring to defile the wonder that is my ass in your lame screenname. I trust you won't make this mistake again. PS: you obviously read my stuff, so how about some feedback, you selfish bitch? [looks at Joey] ok. This is the last one. Read it and then we can all get out of here.
Joey: right on. Okay, Justin-this one's for you. From TracesTruckerCap- Justin, some people think that having your Mom tattooed as an angel on your back is creepy, but I just want you to know that I think it's a healthy expression of love. Sometime, you should stop by my house (I live in Memphis REPRESENT!) and see the tattoo I have on my ass of my mother's face. Because you can never be too close to your mama. [ runs a hand through his hair] well, um. Okay, then. Justin?
Chris: [standing up and peering at the screen] no, wait, wait. That's so wrong, man. So very wrong.
JC: [getting up to look too] I agree. God, yes. How wrong is that?
Joey: [taking another look] well, I didn't like to say, but, yeah. Yeah, it is. It's just totally pushing the boundaries, y'know?
Lance: [looking too] guys, frankly? I have to agree. I mean. It's right here in front of us, and yeah. So very wrong.
Chris: You totally don't have to answer that one, Justin. Okay? It's alright.
Justin: [puzzled] Right--
JC: [pointing to the screen] I mean, seriously. Some people, huh? No question marks there at all. None. Back in the day, all questions had question marks. This person hasn't even phrased it correctly. That, guys, is not even a question. [shakes head] That's actually-a statement. The nerve. The sheer bloody nerve.
Chris: [nodding] I think we can safely say that this chat is over. Well and truly.
Lance: [closing laptop] Yeah. Let's go, guys. [stands up] here Chris-that one hundred bucks I owe you. Knock yourself out.
Chris: thanks, man. C, are your pants done up?
JC: yes. Why? Did you see Barbra Streisand out there? God, no--please....keep her away... [ducks behind Joey]
Joey: [fumbling with his cellphone, muttering] god, I gotta call Kel and do some damage control. Man...
Justin: [under his breath] on his ass? Wow. That's kinda cool. I gotta call my tattoo guy...

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